Birthday Thoughts

Its going to be my birthday next month and I will be completing 1 year in Kerala..
It seems like a short year, 365 days got over faster..TVM life had been blessed with friends..more friends and more friends..movies ...more movies...peace and lot of peace..
About Birthday....
A birthday means different things to all, including that person.
 I will get 1 more year added to my age, adding to the fears of my parents' plans on my wedding. and I get 1 more year reduced from my life and 1 year nearer to my plan to have a world tour at 30 yr completion. I shall be less considered as a kid and more considered as an adult.(Even when my family feel that I am becoming kiddish n careless as age goes up). All my friends feel that I lost 1 year in getting serious about my marriage plans. Well..No commentss..Careerwise, one year will add up my work experience in years and I can look for a better role and  be a little closer my goals. 
 Every birthday , I wish for something better like everyone. And were they different from the passed year? To a great extend, they have been. I was lucky to make friends, see places, learn new lessons..I too got blessings from almighty like every being on the face of the earth.
This year I am hoping to start a life, start something  for me, progress in what I have started, and yes, to reduce more. I want to start something which will bring a meaning to my life..a meaning to the years gone and passing years and forthcoming years.. I have some ideas...will share if I could start them atleast..
Please wish me luck !!
Life, with all its flaws is still making me wonder.. and will keep on surprising me with its sparkling colors!!
I pray, please God, please keep me madly in love with life forever!!!

I learned....

I had a hectic month and it has been enlightening so far. One of the toughest months I ever had, professionally and personally. So many of my views were questioned, opposed and even got bashed completely at times. Those are the times, when we actually know what we are.


I tried to back out when I knew I should not be that naïve. I was too bold when I knew I should not be that bold.

I heard stories which did not have happy endings. I listened to them; felt if I could offer a helping hand. But it seemed like they never needed help. They just needed to be acknowledged, then to be forgotten like the stories we hear and then don’t ever show them sympathy. I was amazed at the courage.

I heard people uttering complete nonsense and get emotional. Where logically no elements of reality existed, they were happy being emotionally dreamy.

My ego was bashed and was crushed utter bigger egos. I could feel losing the ground most of the times. I could not understand the answer to the question “Why ME”. I thought of running away most times. But I wanted to run away from my own thoughts which were not possible. Exception was that I could not find enough time to frame more questions and confuse my mind. So I was happy. More questions, more confusions!! I just realized that there is nothing called as ‘last hope’; it’s just ‘hope’. When you have “hope” left with you, you never lose ground. When you actually don’t lose ground that definitely means your clearer side of ego is still with you. You can definitely move on.

Past 4 weeks made me learn so many things, strangers who came in to my daily life brought lessons; the new lessons transformed the role people play in life.. Many transformations!!

Just wanted to share these with you –

I understood happiness need not come from the defined set of rules. You can be happy when you actually bow down, and people start respecting you for that.

I understood, people are difficult to read. The iced faces can never mean a thing.

I understood, anger can bring rain of fire to you and to all around you.

I learned I can disagree; still I can be in good terms with people.

I saw, nobody is too bad to be friends with

I saw again, people can be made friends with a smile

I learned, I can listen and still keep myself strong enough not to feel sympathized

I understood, my life’s experiences are yet to be filled with all flavors

I understood, dreams do vanish in the morning. But still they are beautiful.

I met innocent people.

I understood, anger cannot be cooled with anger. A little bit of bowing down, can earn you more respect from people.

I understood, some tears can create beautiful happy memories.

So on…

Most importantly I realized, I have still not finished breathing to start crying over my miseries!!

Ghost of the past ..

I had been with so many great people and so somehow was involved in their stories as well.

And something I observed, almost everyone find it difficult to move on in life. We might have covered the journey long time back..some tough journeys..

And promised yourself and the whole world that past is no more my concern. Still we hang on to it.

At some deep level, you still tend to be tied to your past…haunted by its ghosts. Seems like years have moved on, people have moved on and you have not.

So why are we hanging on to something which is buried. Well, hanging on to memories seems safest way to feel good without taking any risks, past always gives us an excuse to say like”coz this happened, I am emotionally down”…somehow we keep on believing that good times never come again. As I see it, everything in life are like seasons. Nothing stays forever. Spring, winter, summer or autumn, it keeps coming and they move on and we move on too along with it. Only thing matters are to go with the flow. Leave the winter when summer starts.. don’t carry anything with you... Don’t go out in your coats and sweaters and make yourself get boiled in the sun. Same way carry an umbrella in autumn and don’t hate rains cause they are just part of the season. So change with the seasons, always do a wardrobe clean up at the end of each season and just go out and enjoy it fully.

Its not easy…well, nothing is , nothing was and nothing will be.

Change is the only constant thing in life …aint it ppl??... drench in the rain..listen to the songs of birds…see the leaves falling .. then feel the coldness of winter..

Its worth it…and more than anyone , you deserve it!!

So lets go for a clean up…

A bitter note..

This hour I should be working on a official presentation which I need tomorrow. But suddenly something has suddenly blocked my senses...n I just feel like having a talk...U see, yet again, my contact list seems empty...100+ friends in FB , friends online...200+ contacts in my mobile....n some very good circle of friends too... But still, I am not able to find anyone to talk to.. This feeling comes to me quite often these days..seems like I am living in some alienated world with no contacts with anyone whom I know of. Some tears cud have made me better in the past. Somehow they have alienated me from a Long time. Even if I wanna cry out loud, they just don't come...Not even sleep.. Years do take out our habits whether they replace them with better ones or not!!

I feel these moments occur when reality strikes n I am temporarily out of my glass dream world.. Feels lost at those times... weightless , lost...

Bitter truth, you have no choice but to move on... there will be state when you actually dont even own a chat list where atleast a person is online!! Beware ppl...it will happen..Priorities change n people do disappear from our lives..Nothing n none to blame... N no offense meant to anyone.. Its life n life asks us to move along with it..so everybody should move on..I know i find reasons to b busy n to be so involved that i wont get time to think..

Its like u r standing in the middle of a fast moving crowd..no friends or foes among them..
And m worried..at some point u start seeing a life without friends coz they just keep moving out so fast n so often..

But ...again...human nature... You learn to be alone n find a reason to be happy abt it...You move on..No friends or foes..just u alone..

Some scenes from my day

A good slip through my past...my friends..fun. A casual breakfast with whole lot of talks about the fun I had, me making somebody smile.. it was a gr8 good morning gift.

A teasing remark from a friend when I was totally out of my mind due to some work tension,  which made me laugh, relieving me of my stress.

Mails from my dearies, abt the morning n hot news in town.

A good laugh at the lunch table over some strange topics..then our usual walk for post lunch exchanging a lot of topics ... from osama to dress code policy of our company..

Finding out that your manager is actually ready to back you for what you said. Thus compromising on some issue.

Finalising plans for a friend's birthday.

A good evening ping from a friend.. Having a good casual talk when you are actually overloaded with work, but trying ur best not to show it off..then slowly getting into a good mood along with the conversation. Going back to work with a smile.

A call from mom asking hows my health and some sweet scoldings on my carelessness n on my way of ignoring health. Then keeping the call with a mumble which is pure concern about me more than anyone, including me.

A quick tea with my pals near the pantry...before rushing to join client call.. An escape from work for 15 mins.

Getting a call from your sweet roommate asking "where are you".. a simple gesture that makes you feel that there are people who cares for  you.

Giving a call to friend whom you havent  talked to for a while, just to understand that you can still keep in touch and dissolve all the complaints in seconds.

A friend giving a call to you to share something which hurt their heart. You feel that there are people who still trust you and keep you close as a friend.. U feel gr8 abt urself.

A song which came along with the wind, silenced my cluttered mind...it kept flowing through my ears... suddenly I felt at peace with myself. It doesnt belong to any of my fav songs..its some classical dance song which was played the neighbouring temple. The voice wasnt the best. But it had something which soothed me and made me dissolve into nothingness for a while.

My day was eventful..how about yours?

Silent waves

A thought suddenly came to my mind today when I saw our cook and her daughter having a silent conversation.

It was just gestures n no words were spoken. But it was so meaningful than a thousand words put together.  They both were in sync, communicating flawlessly, a stranger like me standing there could not understand a word of it.

I also have these silent communications with my amma...a simple touch on my forehead, a smile of my mom...her eyes..a single gesture speaks a lot..she senses most of the things in my life...n keeps telling me its ok  even before I blurt out ..
I know everyone of us feel the same way about our mothers.
Is it that the bond of 10 months continuing after a long number of years? May be ..
May be thats why mothers are truly very special/godly because they do sense us, our goods n bads,  sadness or happiness ... they r just not far at any point. May be thats why motherhood is the most precious blessing, may be thats why they say mothers have to be revered first..matah pitah gurur daivam..

Leaving apart, all these big thoughts...i wanna go home n have a nice sleep on my mom's lap!! love u mom!!

thought

Yesterday, two people unknowingly broke my silence and torn down my mask.
 They made me feel like a weak person again...Just felt that my masks dont work anymore.
I seriously wonder what am i...a too good person or a complete actor?
I am nt able to recognise my heartbeats... r nt they mine anymore ? r they actually nt real ?
who am i..wad am i..

week3

checked my weight after a lot of compulsion...and to my relief..i m nearly 2 kgs less than first week...not bad huh :P

week 2

its been hectic...no other words to explain this week.
12-14 hrs of work each day...Limited breaks..Literally had to be on my heels all the time..
Good satisfaction was always guarenteed too...Have started loving work a lot more n more.
Weight, i havnet checked coz i simply didn get time (an excuse) or rather I cudnt keep check on the diet so I was afraid i wud have gained ..

Day 5 & Day 6

Day 5 was yesday...Checked weight again...was happy to find that I m sharp 0.5 Kgs less than my weight on Day 1. Good achievement after 3 days of starvation and two treats where I could not be under any diet..
But if I look back, I had an awesome week...was too busy working for 11-12 hrs in offc everyday from 3 weeks...n surely its not going to change..But never felt that I will enjoy work this much..
Except the fact that I have to regualarise extra hours, I am enjoying the fatigue by end of day..Feels like I got something to look forward to...
Am I getting a lil crazy? or on the road to become a workaholic?? who cares na ;)

Day 6@Home
Yes... I am at home and this is where my diet plans falter a lot :(
Cannot check my weight as well nw.. :( ... Hope I will not put on a lot... I dnt want to.. I dnt want to.. :(
Will give u an update on thursay..till then ...its family time :)

day 4

cudn check my weight today :(
But I have had lots of food...its feeling guilty... :(
sad sad day...sob sob...

A song...katte nee veesharuthippol is coming to my mind...
Enjoy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8BztdmImkE

Day 3

Again checked weight...( x-0.8)+0.3 = x-0.5
I m sad coz of this...But today had our projt party n I didn get enuf time to grieve upon it..
Had fun as the anchor, got good comments too...I am so relieved too...
Had two 'near-hit-by-bus' incidents twice during my driving class...But all is well ..
Well, even tomorrow doesnt seem like a temptation anymore.. I am on the verge of a big change of personality...I am outside my shell now..Trying hard to avoid my hybernation!!

Day 2

Started as usual with my driving classes...was fun as usual...mornings r the best times of the day I guess...
Same diet as yesday..
checked for my weight ...tats a good 0.8 Kgs less...I m happy...
Then back to work,...busy busy days...It seems as if I can just completely loose myself in work..As long as I like it, I dnt think I mind if I am called a workaholic..
I wish if life also had a system which gives credits to those who work hard...I think it doesnt happen...So just left all those thoughts n back to work..
Have got an event tomorrow...m in the organizing committee...Tomorrow, I am just going to have fun...
:)
so will c u tomorrow...bbye

day 1

I checked my weight...its a whooping  kgs.. seriously embarassed to write my weight here :(
I think I have lost some things in life just coz of my weight factor and everyday realises that ur appearance matters the most, nothing else..
So here goes my attempt to be normal, to get myself included in the category of normal people..
I am going to try for sometime to reduce
Today is my first day...on fruitjuices n chappattis...
I wanna keep this page so that  I can keep track on my weight reduction
so here goes my first day...m hungry...but doesnt matter :) ... Gonna sleep with my stomach crying for food ;)
I just wish to see some change...
Coz if sacrifices can give me my life...I desperately want my life back..

Me.

As you grow old, days pass, seasons pass..u tend to look back and see what was happening all through life.
I havent grown that old to look back, but old enough to have some experiences. So what I am trying to say is that looking back at my life is not without some results. So here is a thread of my thoughts I had while coming home from office..

Somethings come back to me as dreams and some things make me smile. It feels as though things were all happening for good...from my schooling..college...friends...
one thing led to another ..n here I am today. I am actually proud.
The journey had its own ups and downs though.
Many are very close to me ..They call me up anytime. Just to say I miss you...or to tell me a good news...Or just drop a message to say Hi... They are the treasures I have gathered so far with these yrs.They are the ones who always made me believe life is good..
I was always with good people and have always felt God's hands when I was in crisis.
So far life has made me really bold that some people are in a way afraid to approach me with their old attittudes when I had thought that I will have problems in facing them :P ...Its good to know that at least some are scared of me ;).. It has made me so soft that I can see people n friends coming to me naturally...
I think somewhere I had stopped differentiating about all these..Now I just see each day, no judgements n no regrets...as simple as that..

I weigh both sides and all times happiness weighed more. My mom says I should always be thankful for  these wonderful things/people in my life and forget about the hurts/people who r not with me anymore.
I say, each day I am thankful. The happiness is so much that I am not able to keep any negative things with me. Nothing/none hurts me or leaves me hurt for long.
 I feel more like I am only responsible for my happiness or sadness. So that makes my route to happiness simpler..
A good tip to face sadness ?Nowadays everything I experience, I try to see the way I react to them after a few years..So a smile comes to me involuntarily. That instant I am away from any sadness or stress. Try tat..it works a lot :)
I am learning to live life the way I want, long after living a life struggling for perfection.
The madness in me drives me to catch all opportunities life offers me...friends, job, fun, some time with kids, some selfless work, some charity work...I am doing all...And I am just happy for each day ..there is no perfection ...no ego...no sadness clinging on to me for long..its just always a sunny day here..
I am not sure whether its the maturity or the immaturity..madness or sensibility...boldness or feminism..bad image or good image..I have stopped caring about all that now. I just know that I have so many things to do, so many things to be happy about and I am just feeling it fully...

Gnite !!

growing old..

Growing old ...
Your age is getting added up and you see yourself getting into that other side of generation gap..then you start feeling like quite out of place in the crowd..
Is this the middle age crisis? I have no idea..
After having some great times, I somehow wander back to not-so-happy thoughts. It just happens that I suddenly start feeling a void somewhere inside me. I had tried to analyse it so many times. I dont lack love, money or position. May be for the society around me, an unmarried girl who doesnt have a boy friend might be a reason.But not for me my friend, its not at all about that marriage stuff.
I was wondering whether I am getting bored of living like  veronica in Veronica decides to die.
One of my friends suggested to always keep something unfinished, so till the moment you get to complete it, you have something to look forward to. Then I tried that,,..but it seems, I can never leave something incomplete. It bores me talking over phone, but again, silence also tires me. Its not excitement or thrill. Its something else.
Loneliness? I guess even thats not an issue even when I feel more lonelier than ever before and more independent and happy at the same time.Everyone moves ahead, may be not you. You always reach a  stage where, you accept the for fact that you are alone..
Life always gives each of something to learn everyday..So I just hope that I learn the lessons and only the right one..
I am getting curious about me nowadays..